A recent study has indicated that fabric gives off certain Pheromones, that actually hypnotize women and cause them to purchase unbelievable amounts of fabric. When stored in large quantities, in enclosed spaces, the Pheromones (in the fabric) cause memory loss and induce the nesting syndrome (similar to the ones squirrels have before the onset of winter, i.e. storing food) therefore perpetuating their species, and not having a population loss due to their kind being cut up into pieces and mixed with others.
Sound tests have also revealed that these fabrics emit a very high-pitched sound, heard only by a select rare breed of women known as customers. When played backwards on an LP, the sounds are heard as chants “Buy Me” “Cut Me” “Sew Me”!
In order to overcome the so-called feeding frenzy effect these fabrics cause, one must wear a face mask when entering a storage facility and use ear plugs to avoid being pulled into their grip. (One must laugh however at the sight of customers in a fabric store, with WW2 gas masks and headphones!)
Studies have also indicated that aliens have inhabited the earth, helping to spread the effect that these fabrics have on the human populations. They are called fabric store clerks. It’s also been my experience that these same Pheromones cause a pathological need to secret these fabric purchases away when taken home (or at least blend them into the existing stash) and when asked by a significant other if the fabric is new, the reply is “I’ve had it for awhile”.
(Originally published in August 1997
in the Western North Carolina Quilters Guild Newsletter)
Written by Kathy (Smith) Harris, Tuscon, AZ